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  • Eyes that are oblivious
  • Lips that lie
  • Faulty promises
  • A heart too apathetic to care

These are a few things I’m afraid will slip into my character if I just keep on giving and caring too much for nothing in return. Maybe I play the “benefit of the doubt” card to often and mistakenly see the good that isn’t genuine in people. Maybe I lie too much so I don’t appear weak and pitiful. Maybe it’s time that I stop putting too much faith in people’s word because action never follows through and promises have become a joke, a lie to temporarily pacify. And maybe the concept of caring about someone has become such an idealistic and foreign fantasy because I’m don’t know what it’s like for that to be reciprocated anymore. I finally have a reason to throw in the towel and bow out. I wanted to end with some sort of mutual understanding and maybe mutual indifference is what was supposed to follow next. I mean neither of us knew what to expect but I can’t keep lying to my mom when she asked what happened with us, when she asks why there are less phone calls on my bill, when she pries with obnoxious questions about ‘competition’ in California. If I can’t hate someone I loved, the most I can do is put them in a box and be indifferent about them. Pretend they didn’t hurt you even though every remark or question from family or friends twists the knife in my back just a few degrees clockwise and a millimeter or two in deeper. And move on because only a fool builds their life on shifting sands. All I wanted was some damn clarity and an answer to one question.

I could write a poem about the moments I miss you
But I can’t put to words the way I feel anymore
My heart’s on a string, objectivity has been skewed
Some days I’m okay and some I want us restored

Don’t let the pangs of jealousy divert all the progress you’ve made in your faith, Jenn. You need a sun, not a moon. Constant to rise every morning, not changing its face every night.

current obsessions include: luminosity and crashcourse on youtube, hemingway and greek mythology, ottoman empire history, books on asclepion and galen and altar of zeus and dionysus and the pergamon theater, french film and french music- most specifically parisian, daily grace and jack&finn. and working on building my endurance to 3 – 6 -10 mile runs by the end of this semester. 3mi in 31.39min according to the treadmill, which isn’t a fair measure, but its a good start

My second take on love and my relationship

Think about it. Deepening intimacy without defining a level of mutual commitment is dangerous. It’s like going mountain climbing with a partner who isn’t sure she wants the responsibility of holding your rope. When you’ve climbed hundreds of feet up a mountain face, you don’t want to have a conversation about how he feels “held down” by your relationship. In the same way, many people experience deep hurt when they open themselves up emotionally and physically only to be abandoned by someone who proclaimes he’s not ready for a “serious commitment”

The joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment.

All of us want intimacy. It means being close to someone. It’s being vulnerable, open, and dependent. It’s giving to and receiving from another person the deepest parts of who we are – our hopes, our fears, our secrets, our affections. An intimate relationship in which we known and are known by another human is one of the most fulfilling and precious parts of life- it’s a gift from God. 

An intimiate relationships- with a friend, a family member, between a young couple- have the common nature of trust. We are intimate with people who have proven their faithfulness to us, people who have shown over time that they will be careful to guard what we have given of ourselves. We’re intimate with people who are committed to us and don’t leave you when a situation becomes trying. 

It’s never fair to give a hope of commitment to hold on to; this is why it’s hard for me to believe in getting back together with someone you’ve broken up with. It’s almost as if the two aren’t practicing a “courtship” to prepare for marriage but rather assimilating the other that periods of lapsed commitment are by all means, okay, similar to the practice of love that leads to divorce. This is why I want to gauge our common ground, why I am so keen to see where we stand in commitment, and not intention. You can have the best intentions but if the big c-word doesn’t line up, then I’m left with a fleeting wishful thought. Meh

2013 reading list

Jan
  • The Odyssey (Homer)
  • Short Stories of Hemingway
  • I Kissed Dating Goodbye (Harris)

Feb

  • The Odyssey (contd)
  • The Divine Comedy (Dante)
  • The Sun Also Rises (Hemingway)

Mar

  • A Farewell to Arms (Hemingway)
  • The Divine Comedy (contd)

Apr

  • For Whom the Bell Tolls (Hemingway)
  • The Old Man and the Sea (Hemingway)
  • The Aeneid (Virgil)

May

  • The Great Gatsby (Fitzgerald)
  • The  Fault in our Stars (J. Greene)

June

  • A Thousand Splendid Suns (Hosseini)
  • Silver Linings Playbook (Quick)
  • The Last Lecture (Pausch)

July

  • The Alchemist (Coehlo)
  • Medical Ministry (White)

Aug

  • Atlas Shrugged (Rand)

My meager goal to read at least 16 books pales in comparison to my friend Kaysey’s yearly average of ~150.

My take on love and relationships

In a romantic- future intended relationship, unconditional love should be a mutual goal, Christ’s compassion and action should be a shining example, communication should be honest and the relationship should be liberating – for both people.

I see people get dragged away from the adventure of being young, lose interest in things they once loved, find themselves tied down to routine and comfort. I found myself pushed out of my comfort zone, challenged to try new things and expand my horizons to different cultures – this is one of the greatest blessings about my relationship with Bryan.

Faithfulness, affection, gratefulness, thoughtfulness, acceptance – are all qualities that should be embedded in their love and reciprocated not because of pure expectation, but by mere fruition of love embodied in action. Love is ironic – it is being apart now so we can be together later, being so distanced yet connected so intimately, it is inward and it is outward, but it is also so very simple.

It is knowing that there is someone who will watch the new release with you, go for midnight food runs with you, massage your feet after work, help you help yourself, adore the idiosyncrasies you used to see as insecurities… he knows the vulnerable nooks and crannies of my mind but still gives me the confidence and security to know I am enough.

It is the way I think about you at the sight of Disneyworld’s castle lit up in fireworks, in the soft breeze of the Atlantic ocean’s air, in the thrill of th experience of a new museum in Tennessee – even when you’re not with me. It is the way I find meaning in everything around me and connect it to you. I am a writer, I find philosophy in my surroundings and you are my subject that I apply that to. That is how I’ve loved you. I embodied every sensual experience and tied it to us because then, everything is richer and life is more beautiful. Fishing experiences have taught me lessons of patience, , nature has showed me the beauty in  maturation and traveling without you has helped me overcome depression and renew friendships which reminded me that I can trust the people around me to help me be better.

That – a more meaningful life and finding beauty in the little things – is love.

Now this is realistic in every sense, what I hope for in true, unadulterated love. I’d like someone who makes me better, compliments well with my personality and tries just as much as I. Above all else, I’d like that person to still be you, B.